For that he will always love her
by Loz06
Summary: Neil ..Thinking about Andrea.. Philippa. What is Neil thinking as he and Philippa talk in the cemetery after she’s found out about Andrea?


**Title**: For that he will always love her

**Author**: Loz

**E-Mail**: loz06(at)yahoo(dot)com

**Rating**: T

**Category**: Neil (Thinking about Andrea).Philippa.

**Series**: Stand alone, not related to anything else I've done.

**Spoilers**: If you haven't seen episode 292 and the lead up to it, steer clear.

**Archive** (if applicable): www(dot)fanfiction(dot)net(slash)loz06

**Feedback**: The good, the bad and the very ugly it's all appreciated.

**Summary: **What is Neil thinking as he and Philippa talk in the cemetery after she's found out about Andrea?

**Authors' notes: **This is just something the came to me after seeing episode 292. Philippa's attitude and decision about a future with Neil grated my nerves and I wondered what on earth was wrong with her, thus the story idea was born. I wrote it a few months later so it's toned down a lot since my initial cry to the television 'are you kidding Philippa, what's wrong with you?'

**Thanks: **To everyone who's read or read and review my previous posting, another part will be out in a week or so.

**Disclaimers**: I have no association with the Bill, for which I will always be reminding you in these disclaimers.

* * *

Neil only approaches when the last of the mourners have gone, he doesn't want to have to answer questions about who he is to Andrea or receive equally questioning looks. He also wants to have time alone with Andrea, to make amends for their last conversation in the courtroom, to tell her he didn't mean it and he's sorry. 

He crouches down, laying flowers with the neatly placed others. He's barely pulled his thoughts together when he hears footsteps in the damp grass, he looks to the feet and shoes, he knows them he was with her when she bought them. He looks up and slowly pushes himself up to stand next to Philippa – his wife, at the grave of the woman he's been having an affair with.

She's looking at the cross, reading the name off the gold plaque. She looks across to him, "We need to talk."

Neil looks back to the grave and nods slightly. He won't get to say what he wants to say to Andrea now, not that he could or ever would do it in front of Philippa anyway. He accepts he should have realised it was inevitable she'd find out, secrets don't stay hidden forever, though his face displays clearly his discomfort and dislike for having to discuss Andrea.

As usual his wife is perfectly poised and calm, as are her words. She has not a hair out of place, clothes and shoes perfect. Neil doesn't know why she can't, won't and doesn't react as everyone else would.

* * *

Not sure where they're going or who's leading, Neil walks next to Philippa through the cemetery. If he felt anything other than sorrow and bereaved, if he wasn't mourning he might recognise the irony of talking about his affair, his marriage and its imminent death in the middle of a cemetery. He maintains his look ahead of him, as does Philippa. 

"How did you know where to find me?" Someone has to speak first; Philippa doesn't want to talk about benign things like the weather so he feels it's only fair to ask how she found him here.

"I'm a barrister Neil. I'm used to extracting information from reluctant witnesses." She's a barrister in her even tone and straight face.

Neil doesn't have to think too hard to guess who the reluctant witness is. "Phil Hunter."

"Don't blame him, he did his best." The same composed and calm words.

"You said you were in court today." Neil says looking to her for the first time. Whatever the reason for Philippa not being in court is a part of the reason he's been found out.

"Crown prosecution screwed up, the judge directed the jury to return a verdict of not guilty, I was home by lunch." Though there's nothing he could do about it, it still annoys Neil.

"You hardly knew Ken; you didn't need to go to the service." Neil tries to delve deeper, a half a day of work is no reason for her to show up at the church, ordinarily she wouldn't…there has to be a reason for her to rush to his side.

"You were so distraught all week I thought you could do with some moral support." Neil realises she had noticed, he felt it deeply inside, dealing with his grief had left him no strength to keep it from coming out, "Right idea, wrong funeral."

"How was it?" Neil asks knowing the Super will have something to say about his absence, it's not as though he didn't want to go to say goodbye to Ken or he doesn't care…Andrea's was just more important to him, much more and he missed most of it, he'll have to come back at another time to say what he wants to. He's not naive enough to think with the knowledge of a few details of Ken's service he'll be able to bluff the Super; he has every intention of going to the memorial.

"Usual well meaning platitudes and this one?" She's so calm when she asks, like it were about the burial of a not well known distant police colleague, not the woman he was having an affair with.

"Well I only got here in time for the internment." Neil answers knowing it will make absolutely no difference. Like the skilled barrister she is Neil knows she's putting him at ease with some inconsequential questions before going in for the kill. Though she doesn't make a scene ever, Neil wonders if this will be the exception, he expects but doesn't understand the fact she's so composed.

"Andrea Dunbar." Neil immediately looks to Philippa; it's strange to hear her say Andrea's name. "I remember seeing her at Jim and June's wedding. Intelligent, attractive, sideways looks that suggested an interest in my husband but nothing I perceived as a threat." They stop walking and Neil looks to Philippa.

He wonders why she felt so secure in their marriage even when Andrea was sharing a gaze across the dance floor with him at the wedding, he's dated women in the past that would have brought up the situation in a conversation at the earliest possible convenient time, or at an inconvenient time. He wonders if she believed he'd never leave her, a delusion, something she talked herself into. Was it because she didn't see the interest he showed back at the wedding and when she didn't notice any signs after the wedding she forgot about Andrea and decided it wasn't happening. Or did she foresee the problems that would arise from two colleagues dating, even in secret and decided he wouldn't risk his career. Whatever it is Philippa looks down to the ground from him and then back to him.

"So tell me, when did it all start?" Neil looks to Philippa and then away, it's as he expected, she was warming up and now the questions will become a grilling, he's the accused on the stand facing her questions.

Neil finds himself explaining in brief when he first started seeing Andrea as he follows Philippa to a seat that looks across the lawn of head stones. There's a long silence that follows.

"You don't have to say anything but it may harm your defence if you fail to mention when questioned something you later rely on at home." Neil looks down to his feet, is it irony his wife a barrister is reading, him a police officer, his rights for the questions she's about to ask him of his infidelity. It all begins now.

"Look I've admitted I've had a relationship with Andrea o.k. there's nothing more to say." Neil looks down to his hands knowing his few measly words will do nothing to stop her, he's the reluctant accused she's skilled in extracting information from.

"I need details Neil." It almost stuns him; he wasn't expecting her to want to go down this deep. To dig into his relationship, to make him uncomfortable, maybe she thinks she can cope with whatever he comes out with and watching him squirm will be more than worth any pain that comes from the answers to her questions.

"Why?" Neil sees absolutely no reason; he breathes a short sharp breath that indicates he believes there's no reason to dig up such information. "What's the point, what good's that going to do?"

"Did she love you?" Both stare out across the headstones. Neil doesn't want to give the answer, the truth is sure to hurt Philippa more and it's not necessary. Neil thinks back to the last time he was alone with Andrea, when Andrea had told him she wasn't going to lose him that she loved him and later in the hotel room.

"She said she did." His voice sounds strange, as though he's breathing in slightly as he speaks his words with a touch of emotion. He chooses to phrase it in the way he does because he wants to protect Philippa even if she doesn't, to soften the already devastating blow somewhat. He has no qualms about the fact Andrea said she loved him, he knows it was true.

"Do you love her?" Philippa asks and Neil breathes a steadying breath in. It's a truth that will hurt her more and it's a question he desperately wishes he can find a way not to answer.

"Look Philippa you know this…" He starts. "It started out just as a fling; you know we didn't plan anything." He's the accused not answering the question posed to him and he won't get away with it. His words sound almost as if by not planning something it somehow absorbs him of some responsibility, how many times has he heard a similar excuse from a criminal.

"That doesn't answer my question." Philippa says levelly.

There's an extended silence as Neil thinks, recalls and remembers his time with Andrea, the way she made him feel and how he felt about her. "Yeah I loved her." He says clearly with emotion, sounding as though he's still remembering.

"You told her that?" Neil cannot believe Philippa's continuing, this time he cannot say it out loud.

He nods his head slowly and for the first time since they've sat on the chair Philippa looks across to his profile.

"Where?"

"Where?" Neil repeats a small sound from the back of his throat indicative of his disbelief at the question he sees as inconsequential and irrelevant. "What difference does that make?" He half shakes his head and looks to Philippa briefly to see she wants and is waiting for an answer. Neil looks back to the cemetery with Philippa still watching him. He's not going to be able to bypass or skirt around any of her questions.

"Room thirty nine, Besborough Court Hotel," Neil says almost rote like, Philippa looks away.

"Did you always meet at hotels or did you bring her to the house?" Neil looks to his feet wondering about the question. Would his answer make a difference to the steady stream of unnecessarily painful questions she's asking him? He may not love her anymore but he respects her and respected her enough not to bring Andrea to the house, not that she'd ever agree to meet there anyway.

"Never at the house," Neil answers.

Philippa comes back almost immediately, "So you never slept in our bed."

"Of course not," Neil replies, it's the fastest exchange they've had during the entire conversation. Again there's no way Andrea would have agreed to that and Neil has too much respect for Philippa as well.

"Did she do anything in bed I wouldn't?" The question floors Neil, he closes his eyes.

"Philippa," He says not believing she would and could ask, that she would want to go into this area. If the answer was yes she would surely press on and although his time with Andrea constituted being unfaithful to her, intimate or not it's no ones business but his own. Add to that he can't fathom why Philippa would want to hear the answer, to open herself up to such pain. In his heart he knows being with Andrea wasn't just about sex, but that will be of little comfort to his wife.

She immediately senses his reluctance to answer. "Neil I've just found out my husband had an affair; don't you think I have a right to know why he was unfaithful to me?"

Its one questions he's not ready to answer yet, that he's not ready to discuss. It's too soon after Andrea's death to say more than he loved her, to discuss what he meant to her, why he was drawn to her and kept coming back, what he got from her that he didn't from Philippa and it wasn't anything she wouldn't do, why he was prepared to sacrifice marriage, family and career for her.

Instead he looks across the grass wondering why on earth she needs to know everything about his affair; he thought she'd be the type to never want a single detail. Does knowing make her feel better, help her to see she wasn't skipping over signs, ignoring them and telling herself it wouldn't happen or wasn't, that she wasn't being silly and imagining things. Then again there were no signs to ignore with him until now.

Does she need details so she can decide the severity of the situation, a casual fling through to leaving her, with that she can decide what to do, leave or forgive or something else? If that's the case her decision may well be at the drastic end of the scale.

He considers it might be a form of punishment to make him confess to make him admit, loading up with the shame, guilt and embarrassment, like a crime whose only punishment is the taped confession played out loud for the parties involved to hear.

Philippa's too smart for this to be some disturbed need for details, so she can know just how blind or how much of a fool she was.

Is it emotionally manipulative, the more she makes him confess details the deeper the hurt she brings onto herself and that leads to more blame for the pain that can be levelled against him.

"I'm not ready to answer that." Neil says evenly. "Andrea's…" But he can't finish.

Philippa accepts that and stands out of the seat saying nothing Neil follows her.

"Last question, would you have left me for her?" Neil struggles looking to the ground. He's about to stick in another knife, that or twist the original one that came with his admittance of the affair, definitely hurt her again.

It will also hit hard on the very thing she needs and values most in her life, the stability and appearance of stability in her marriage and life, her desire to keep up appearances at all costs.

"I need to know Neil." She's firm in the manner of a barrister with a hesitant witness but as always speaks in a soft feminine tone.

Neil looks back up; his voice is rocky as he retells the plans he had with Andrea he was looking forward to becoming a reality. "I wanted to move in with Andrea, she wasn't sure, I had to convince her it was the right thing."

"So if the explosion hadn't have happened, if she hadn't have died…" Neil can scarcely believe she's saying the words, she's smart enough to know what they meant for her personally, and maybe she just needs to hear him say it. Maybe it's because he said he had to convince Andrea, maybe Philippa thinks what was coming next was it was too hard to convince Andrea and he'd given up or didn't think he could.

"I would have left you." Neil finishes, he feels he needs to say it; she needs to and probably wants to hear it from him, a reality check that's cruel.

"This was before you found out she was a journalist, before you realised your whole relationship was based on lies." It's from there Neil gets the first indication of what Philippa's thinking, what decision she's made, she has all the information she wanted and now she's building to tell him his fate like a jury having heard the arguments of both prosecution and defence and now are about to deliver their verdict.

She's attempting to make him ashamed, she gives him credit for the intelligence he has but no more, she thinks he shouldn't have found himself in the position he did with Andrea and her lies, he should have been able to recognise she was hiding something, to see it coming and take counter action. He did see it fleetingly for a second, on the stairs when he told her he wanted to move in on the weekend, she seemed to hesitate for a second and her face with a huge indicator. She reassured him and that coupled with his love for her, his excitement at starting over with her, being with her made him push it aside and accept her assurances.

"I still had feelings for her." Neil says and it's no lie, even after it all he still loved her.

"Of course, could you really expect to live happily ever after with someone who'd deceived you so thoroughly?" Again it's meant to make him see how naive he's been, it's a subtle judgement on Andrea as well and he's starting to feel like Philippa might blame Andrea as much as him for the situation.

"I don't know." Neil says, her last words hurt, a large part of him believed he could be happy with Andrea, even if they both had to leave their jobs and he went through a divorce, he loved her that much and thought they were strong enough. But Philippa's upset, angry and hurt and she wants him to hurt as well, by pointing out he was naively blinded, a fool is what it takes to find himself where he is and there's no fool like a fool in love.

"The Andrea you feel in love with wasn't a real person." He hates how her words are almost the same as the ones he said to Andrea when he was gutted by her revelations.

"She was an undercover journalist, any decisions you made about your future weren't real." It strikes Neil that Philippa's not totally talking to him; it's as if she's telling herself, trying to convince herself it's the truth. In the end Neil knew there was more to Andrea than just her job, she might have lied about that but there was more to her than that and Neil believed they could have a future, that she wasn't lying about wanting to have a future with him.

"How do you know she wasn't using you, to milk you for information?" Neil looks to Philippa still hating the fact she's spot on, he was angry about that at one time but he believed Andrea when she said she'd never done it again.

He's tired of being subtly humiliated; he wants her just to come out with whatever she wants to say. "What exactly are you saying Philippa?" He asks as they stop walking and face one another, Neil's look is serious the muscles of his brow slightly clenched.

"What I'm saying Neil is that it's not your fault." It's the first of many times during Philippa's words that he's stunned. "You were seduced, I forgive you." His first thought is she's playing a cruel trick; she's going to fill him with a sense of relief only to dump the bad news on him with one hit. What it takes for her to be able to forgive him is almost unfathomable, out of the question almost but then it occurs to him, Philippa's self esteem isn't that low as to take back someone who cheated on her, she's tough, successful connected, she doesn't need him or anyone…he's forgiven so she can keep up appearances.

The last thing she wants is a messy fight of a divorce. She hasn't forgiven him, never will, she'd rather say the words as a lie and maintain their apparently happy marriage in separate beds and separate lives than tell him how she really feels and actually express her emotions by turning her back on him and ending their life together.

"We can put this behind us and move on." Neil looks across at her now believing she really is deluding herself. "And our marriage will be better and stronger because of it." She's the naive one now and is lying to him and herself if she thinks they can go back to the way they were…let alone be stronger, even if he wanted to… and Neil though he hasn't really thought about it, doesn't think he wants to.

It's what Philippa thinks Neil wants and wants to hear from her and with that attitude it says to Neil she thinks little of him. That if she forgives him and takes him back he'll come running realising Andrea was little more than a mistake, especially after everything she's just pointed out to him that he'd already gone through and was working to resolve with Andrea, then she'll have her outwardly looking stable marriage back.

She'll be able to throw back into his face time after time that she did him a favour taking him back, she could have thrown him out.

But Andrea was far from a mistake, she showed him how good life could be with someone, that affection and love shouldn't be absent from life. She's changed him, opened his eyes, taken him in a new direction, and made him want things he'd just done without before.

It's a great legacy one person could leave another, other than a child and love.

What he had with Andrea…Neil isn't going back.

* * *

Neil walks through the station with his head down up to the temporary offices of CID. He passes a few uniformed officers on his way, he hasn't stopped looking to see if one of them is Andrea yet, a part of him has yet to come to terms with the fact she's gone. 

He pushes through the doors to CID looking straight up to Adam Okaro. "DI Manson, nice of you to return to the station, I look forward to hearing where you've been." The Super's voice seems to boom in his ears but he's too numb to absorb the words. Now more than ever he's all over the place, he was with Andrea's death but now there's Philippa's words hanging with him as well.

Neil nods slightly but the Super's already out of his eye line. It was inevitable they'd come across one another and he'd have to face the fact he was absent from Ken's funeral at some stage. Adam Okaro will be just another person who'll want something from him, that will presume to know about his relationship with Andrea and will make it out as less that it was…much less. Neil's not capable of giving anyone anything at the moment; he's doing all he can to keep up something that resembles normality, to function in his job.

He looks to Phil who's seen him and slowly walks around the desk to him. Phil looks at little embarrassed and apologetic as they stand across from one another.

"Look I'm sorry, I tried to cover for you but Pippa worked it out." Neil nods, Phil's been good to him lately. "Don't worry about it."

"So she caught up with you yeah?" Phil asks.

It's really the last thing Neil wants to talk about, he owes Phil though and he's only being supportive so Neil nods.

"Created a bit of a scene?" Only Neil knows that's not her style.

"No Philippa doesn't create scenes Phil she ah…" Neil considers how to phrase his words, "Likes to keep up appearances at all times."

Phil nods and continues. "Well she must have said something."

Neil forces himself to sound a little brighter as he tells Phil, after all it's meant to be good news, to any other man, especially Phil, they'd feel liked escaped death.

"Yeah well, we talked…about me," Neil breathes in, it's still a little raw to say her name, "Andrea and our marriage."

"And?" Phil presses.

"She just wants to put it behind us, move on." Neil puts a shrug in his voice and expression, there's not much to tell really. With Philippa there'll never be any drama, nothing worth gossiping about not that that's what Phil's asking for.

"Simple as that," Phil says not accustomed to having done wrong and getting off so lightly.

"For her, yeah," Neil distances himself from Philippa's wishes.

Phil breathes in knowing maybe he shouldn't ask what he's about to. "And you?"

"Well for me it's a bit more complicated." Neil says and walks away, there's nothing more to say and his reasons are none of Phil's business unless he feels like telling him at some point.

Neil's head hangs and he knows he looks sad, he'd tried days earlier to just get on with work and life and push through and it hadn't worked. He's wanted others to as well and he came into conflict.

He's happy to wear some of his grief on his face now.

It's more complicated for Neil.

He can't sit back or stomach Philippa's lack of action towards her father, he can't go on living a lie, the lie Philippa wants and will be happy to live. He can't ignore the fact she's someone he doesn't love anymore, someone he doesn't trust.

He can't ignore his love for Andrea.

He can't ignore the fact she's changed him, shown him there's more, things he can have, things he deserves to have in his life, things he now wants.

And for that he will always love her.

* * *

The End 


End file.
